What is S&M Sexually? Safe and Consensual Basics

It’s not that every day you stumble upon a blog on S&M (sadomasochism). It represents a form of sexual expression that seeks control, pain, and pleasure within a foundation that is safe and consensual. You can be a teenager who just came across a spicy meme, a couple who wants to try out new things or a seasoned enthusiast who needs a green light from a medical POV, this blog might give you all answers to your questions. Let’s find out what it is, why people enjoy it, and how it can be practised responsibly and consensually.

What Is S&M?

S&M stands for sadomasochism—it’s a mix of sadism (pleasure in inflicting pain or power) and masochism (pleasure in receiving it). Research found that up to 60% of adults have fantasised about some form of BDSM (which has S&M in it) at least once in their lives. [1] It’s all about mutual consent, well-negotiated boundaries and finding out each other’s erotic desires. It’s definitely not about uncontrolled violence.

The power exchange is the heart of BDSM. It lays out a consensual space where each partner agrees to the roles they take on.

— Sanchita Mishra

Roles of S&M in Relationships: Dominant and Submissive (Importance and Need)

Sexually, S&M plays out in Dominant (the top) and Submissive (the bottom) roles. You can even switch roles if you want or prefer just one. [2] As culturally believed, these roles don’t show who you are in real life or define your personality traits. As a matter of fact, many masculine ones enjoy being submissive, and many shy individuals love taking charge. 

S&M is definitely not about harming each other but about finding a safe space to explore all your desires, trust, and power exchange together as a couple. Building a strong emotional and physical bond is the priority here. The couple should focus on consent, regular talk, and aftercare (like having a gentle talk or cuddle afterwards). With these in mind, S&M can become a healthy and exciting way for partners to bond.

Note: Remember, both partners must clearly agree to go ahead with S&M activities. Choose safe words to slow down or stop. 

Psychological Aspects of S&M

Why do people enjoy S&M? It may give some kind of emotional release, stress relief, or just a thrill to test each other’s boundaries. Why don’t we list it all?

• To explore control and trust in the partnership as both partners rely on each other here to respect each other’s boundaries and ensure safety.
• S&M can give our body an endorphin rush (feel-good hormone). The pleasure and mild pain that come with it, give an emotional high. [3]
• Some people get a safe space through this to release their stress and pent-up emotions.
• Some even simply want to check their limits and desires.
• Some couples just want to deepen their emotional connection in their already healthy relationships. 
• Some people take the help of S&M to process some of their past traumas or emotional issues. Even though it’s not a substitute for therapy, a structured and consensual S&M can sometimes complement healing processes.

Different Types of S&M Activities

S&M options are endless, but the common thread is mutual consent and respect for each other’s limits.

1. Bondage: Bondage: Here ropes, handcuffs, or restraints are used to confine any movement. Inspired by Japanese artistic rope bondage, Shibari, which went viral recently, gives intricate patterns and aesthetic appeal. [4]
2. Role-Playing: Partners act out all kinds of characters or scenes from movies or books.
3. Sensory Play: Feathers, ice, or blindfolds are widely used to stimulate the senses.
4. Dominance and Submission (D/s): One partner takes charge (dominant) while the other surrenders (submissive).
5. Impact Play: People use flogging, caning, or paddles to strike their partner.
6. Sensory Deprivation: Here one or more senses are cut off using blindfolds or headphones.
7. Temperature Play: Some like to use ice cubes or wax (with body-safe candles) for the play.
8. Edge Play: Some plays need a little nudge on boundaries with more intense breath control or knife play (always do this with extreme caution).
9. Forced Orgasm: Some like to command or restrict their partner to orgasm.
10. CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) Kink: Here partners agree to mimic non-consensual situations, making sure of the trust and clear boundaries. This is featured in many online communities and discussions as CNC challenges. [5]

Risks of S&M Practices

Just like any physical act like sports- all S&M has its own risks:

• Physical injury (bruises, burns, or nerve damage if any is done wrongly).
• Some intense scenes can unintentionally trigger past experiences.
• Emotional distress if for some their boundaries aren’t respected by their partner.
• Relationship problems can come up if any party is dissatisfied.
• Some S&M activities have a high risk of getting STIs. Use protection and get regular health check-ups.

Note: S&M should never feel unsafe or traumatic. Check-in with your partner from time to time and create a safe word to stop or slow down.

How to Safely Explore S&M Sexuality?

1. Have Regular Talk Openly: Talk about each other’s limits, fantasies, and fix safe words before you start.
2. Start Slowly: Begin with some gentle activities and then cautiously move into other more intense sensations.
3. Learn All Techniques First: Check out online articles like this one and books like The New Topping Book and The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin to get the needed guidance before going on this journey.  [6]
4. Check-in With Your Partner Regularly: Keep on asking, “How does this feel for you?” or use a scale of 1–10 for intensity.
5. Do Some Aftercare: Don’t shy away from cuddling, having a soothing talk, or ordering your favourite snacks. It’ll help you and your partner to ease back into everyday life.

Common Misconceptions About S&M

• Myths: It’s abusive or violent.

In fact, true S&M always prioritise safety and consent.

• Myths: Only a man can be dominant and women are meant to be submissive. 

Gender roles are fluid; anyone can be in either role as per their desire. Sometimes they can even switch roles. 

• Myths: One must have some psychological issues to enjoy S&M. 

Studies have shown that most S&M enthusiasts are mentally healthy and they simply enjoy exploring sexual boundaries. [7]

Popularity and Cultural Impact of S&M

With the viral success of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and the TikTok trends about pup play, S&M has entered the platform as a mainstream talk. [8] Popular culture, fashion (latex or leather dresses or tops), and growing online communities on Reddit or Twitter are normalising these practices, which once were widely misunderstood. Now more people understand and have the desire to try out S&M as a form of consensual adult play rather than something taboo.

Is S&M Right for Everyone?

Not exactly. If you’re ok with some level of pain or power exchange, then you are free to explore this option. 

Sexual preferences are totally personal, and there’s no pressure from any end to try something that doesn’t resonate with you.

— Sanchita Mishra

For some, S&M might be a life-changing discovery for their sexuality and needs. At the same time for others, it just might be a curious read.

Key Pointers

• Communicate openly about desires and limits. 
• Establish safe words or signals. 
• Start with less intense activities and gradually increase intensity. 
• Stay informed about safe practices and techniques. 
• Regularly check in with your partner during and after activities.

With these checked, you can explore S&M activities safely and pleasurably.